Baby, it's really freaking cold outside.

I’m cold. When I step outside in the morning, when I leave the gym, when I’m sitting at my desk. My place of living is the sorriest excuse for a house I have ever seen. Yesterday I opened a cabinet door in my bathroom and broke it in half like it was a saltine cracker. No, I don’t have a blackbelt, it was just that easy. Our house somehow manages to be even colder than the air outside. Which is an absolute tragedy considering my current latitude.

One may think that I, someone who can freeze flames with just a mere touch of my perpetually ice-cubed fingers, would be looking for any reason to warm up my life. I was, until I read about a new service being offered in London hotels. Because of the cold weather in Britain, one hotel chain is employing human bed warmers to bring the guests’ beds up to the proper temperature. The explanation states that people would dress in a body-covering fleece onesie and snuggle up for however long it took to get the bed nice and toasty. The chain also doesn’t have a comment about whether or not they require the human warmers to be showered, but they do ensure that their heads are covered. Next to expensive mini-bars, this is the worst idea a hotel has ever come up with. I have spent the last hour trying to think of something creepier than coming back to my hotel room and finding a questionably dirty British man wearing a shower cap and a Snuggie in my bed. I’ve got nothing.

I know I’m not a scientist, but I have an idea about how to warm up a bed without employing someone. It may be a tad ambitious, but it’s worth a shot….
GET IN THE GODDAMN BED YOURSELF. Christ, people.

What about double beds? I wonder if they just thrown two human warmers in the thing. Because if Johnny and Susie Bed-Warmer were both working room 106, they could be creating a whole different kind of heat, a kind that you definitely wouldn’t want to snuggle into later, or find smeared on your PJ’s.

Suddenly the idea of being “just a warm body” has a whole new meaning.