Wednesday, February 24, 2010

One fish, two fish, red fish, Michael Phelps.

I have one question and one question only: exactly what is the circumference of Bode Miller’s upper leg? I don’t mean this in a creepy ‘check-out-those-gams’ way, but more in a ‘where’s-the-lightning-because-HOLY-HELL-I-SEE-THE-THUNDER-THIGHS’ way. Don’t even try to tell me you haven’t looked at them and been like ‘Sweet Jesus them thangs are biggggg.’ Where does he buy his pants? Joe’s Jeans has ‘the honey’ fit for us curvy ladies, (I hear Nelly likes those thicky thick girls…) but do they have these styles for men? Then again, all I’ve seen Bode wear are colorful lycra racing suits, so maybe that’s just not an issue for him.

I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised that Bode, a thoroughly blinged Olympian, would have a body type that’s different than that of your average man, skier even. Two years ago it was Michael Phelps’ body on display. I remember watching Bob Costas give the break down of Michael’s anatomy (ow owwww) and explain why he is more akin to a fish than a human being.

And on the other end of the spectrum we have none other than Shawn Johnson, or ‘Smidge-of-midge’. This gymnast looks exactly like what would happen if a normal girl was forced to live in a U-Haul box for 5 years until she formed into a perfect rectangle. A tiny, tiny rectangle. But again, she is the perfect athlete: massive muscles to propel all 48 inches of her into the air, and a body so short that the triple-spinning-double-flipping-piked-dismount is an N.B.D.

Now, what I really want to see is a combined summer and winter Olympics, (what do you say we hold it in autumn?) where Bode, Michael, and Shawn can all compete in a test of strength, agility, endurance, on snow, water and land. So I don’t really know where I was going with this, but let’s just call it a triathalon with a snow sport thrown in there somewhere. Maybe sledding just to keep things even. And some skeet shooting just to mix things up. But Shawn’s arms may not be long enough to hold the gun…