Cuz I got locked up, they won't let me out.

Tell your dog to mark his calendar, March 7th is a big day. Switzerland will put a bill to the vote to decide if animals can be represented in a court of law. Thus in cases of alleged abuse or neglect, the animal can get a fair trial.

Ok, “abuse and neglect,” whatever. What about all those other animals that should be sitting in the defendants chair, huh? What about Sea World’s very own serial killer, Tilikum the whale? I want to see the big guy held responsible! I mean, Sea World isn’t exactly taking the reins on this one. According to their experts Tilikum was just “playing.” According to a visitor, a unrelated third-party, Tilikum was thrashing the trainer around in the water.
“Playing” my ass. I say let’s send the blubbery bastard to the stand.

Maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe I’m bitter. Maybe once I was bit by a squirrel and felt that the furry little demon never got what he deserved. I’m pretty sure if I would’ve shown photo evidence of the blood gushing out of my mangled digit the jury would’ve been decidedly in my favor. You know what my bushy-tailed little friend, I think there is such a thing as 25 to life, cuz I’m pretty sure you don’t have the cash to pay for Cochran. And I don’t think he’d take a down payment in acorns.

But as the saying goes, there are two sides to every story. The other side to my story is that my cat pearl, bought for me when I was still in Pull-ups, probably could have made a pretty strong case against me. If Pearl accused me of dragging her around by her front paws, dressing her up in my doll clothes, strapping her into a stroller, brushing her teeth with my toothbrush or forcing her to “be friends” with my dog, I would sadly have to plead the Fifth.

As it turns out, Pearl will never get the chance to prosecute me for my crimes. In a mid-life crisis triggered by my family’s adoption of a few chickens and a rabbit, Pearl hit the road. And shortly after she hit the road, she probably literally hit the road as a feline pancake. She wasn’t the most slim or agile in her old age.

My personal guilt aside, I stand firm. Just because it has fur or fins doesn’t mean it can get away with murder. Unless it provides thousands of dollars in revenues as a major tourist attraction, then, of course, it can.