Tuesday, December 22, 2009

You be the judge

I’ve spent a little too much time judging lately. I shot down R. Kelly’s memoir a premature year and a half before it’s release. I shat upon all who purchase fake pets. I swear I am not a Naomi Nay-sayer, a Judgmental Judy or a Disdainful Diana, (although I may be a Repetitive Rachel…) So I want to redeem myself and give 110% in endorsing something that I whole-heartedly love.

This postcard collection in book form is the best thing I’ve ever read. Dawdling through a gift store in my home city my brother and I came upon this treasure. Seconds later we were on the ground, tears a'streamin. Beyond the obvious humor, are the crucial practical purposes these postcards would serve. Think about all the thumb-twirling-eye-shifting-palm-sweating-forced-laughing awkward conversations this would save.

How convenient is that? The itching and burning may be here to stay, but at least you can avoid the uncomfortable chat that goes along with relaying that information. And a few of the latest holiday themed shots are as hilarious as they are soul-crushing. Why allow a child a few more years of believing in magical Christmas joy when instead you can trample on their visions of sugar plums with a blunt, yet adorable postcard?

I say let’s cut the shit. Life can be one big game of ‘beat-around-the-bush’, (and no, that isn’t an erotic board game being sold in the back of Cosmo.) Why not be direct and clear the air. And if you’re going to be intentionally brusque and offensive, you may as well throw some cute lil’ furry guys in the mix to ease the blow. Imagine you get a postcard that says, “You’re the father”. At first you can’t breathe. Then you feel yourself starting to get furious, and overwhelmed, and violent, and… ‘awwww look at the witttle kitty, he’s so small.’ Suddenly the fact that you’ve been hog-tied to a mediocre relationship all because Lifestyles makes a poor quality product doesn’t seem quite so bad.

I find this method of communication (that is, unwanted information paired with cute animals) so effective. I don't really understand why it has taken this long to surface. The long-short-longs of Morse code were used heavily over radio in the 1890's. Skywriting was invented in 1919. The beeper has been around since the 80's for pete's sake. And don't even get me started with hieroglyphics. All I know is I would not want to be informed of Granny's death through skywriting, be broken up with through a two-way, or interpret any impending STD's through Morse code. And if the unfortunate news was delivered next to the droopy eyes of a pup, I wouldn't be any worse for the wear.

Just sayin'.

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