R. Kelly: Exposed. (No, don't call the cops, he's exposing his THOUGHTS)

Oprah’s Book Club, get ready, R. Kelly is writing a memoir. The music legend who brought us classics like ‘I believe I can fly’ and ‘The World’s Greatest’ is writing a “tell all” account of his trials and tribulations. And by trials, I mean literal trials. Like the one that ended last year for charges of child-pornography.

I’ll admit it, I like me some celeb juice. I flip through US Weekly at the grocery store and get pumped when there’s a recent issue of People at the gym. But there are some things that I just don’t want to know. If R. Kelly (or Robert as he’s calling himself in this soul-exposing piece) really is going to “tell all”, I don’t think I want to know it all, or any of it. Trapped in the Closet (parts 1-5) already gave me way too much insight into R. Kelly’s psyche.

The Trapped in the Closet series also illustrates the main problem with R. Kelly’s music, they are nearly impossible to relate to. For comparison, take Usher’s Confessions Part II:

These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say
My chick on the side said she got one on the way

Now, HERE is a message everyone can understand. Chick on the side gets pregnant? Who can’t relate to that? First you’ve got the awkward “Susie the dental hygienist is having my baby” conversations, then you’ve got the child support negotiations and years of therapy for all parties involved, and of course the general cramping of the playa lifestyle. I feel you, Ush, I feel you. But R. Kelly has to take things to the next level.

She said, “Don’t you make a sound
Or some shit is going down”
I said, “Why don’t I just go out the window?”
“Yes, except for one thing, we on the 5th floor”

Umm… infidelity? That may be statistically common. Hiding in a closet and considering a five story fall to avoid the angry husband and his gun? Considerably less common, (unless, of course, you’re the number one golfer in the world and rumored to be addicted to sex.)

I foresee this disconnect repeating itself when R. Kelly releases his life story. He’s expecting that people will read it and finally understand that the whole child porn thing was all just one big mix-up. “Wow, Robert, you are really just another guy, trying to do right by the people.” Sorry, R. Kellz, I just don’t see that happening.

But again, I’m not here to deter anyone from buying this memoir. Who am I, member of the Archie comics fan club, to judge anyone’s media consumption? Feel free to ‘Step in the name of love’ and statutory right down to the bookstore and pick up a copy. I’ll be stepping in the name of fear as quickly as I can in the opposite direction.