Thursday, November 26, 2009

Hug your children and kiss your wife

There is about to be a HUGE blow to the cosmetic surgery industry in America. Last week three men in Peru were arrested for killing overweight peasent farmers and draining their fat to sell on the black market for use in anti-wrinkle cream and other cosmetics.

I will pause to allow you to re-read the sentence. Breathe it in.

The men were caught running through the forest with syringes of liquid fat (WTF? LIQUID HUMAN FAT?) when caught by police. Apparently their extractions are worth up to $60,000 on the black market. This story raises so many questions it’s almost too much of a task to even think about. But I guess we should first celebrate, we have found a cure to obesity! I mean, why are gangs running rampant through the Peruvian jungles taking the lives of innocent, chubby farmers and sucking their fat out with needles when there are thousands of Americans who pay to have this done? (Sans the killing part, of course.)
Can’t you just see Quinn Quadbypass sitting in the doctors office stunned to learn that his years of double-fisting Big Macs are finally going to pay off?
“So let me get this straight, you will pay ME to suck the fat off my bulging abdomen?”
People helping people, it’s a beautiful thing.

So, what do you say, America? Let’s come together to Save the Fat Farmers. Poor guys. Not only is Peru the world’s second leading producer of cocaine, on international watch lists for human traffiking, has one of the highest murder rates in South America, and has a decrease in cave habitats which has led to a great number of Vampire Bat attacks on people, BUT NOW there are gangs running around at night killing fatties. How are people supposed to get a good night’s sleep? Hide in a bat-proof cage with an AK-47 and a sign on the door saying ‘Down with Trans- Fats’? This can’t go on. The farmers of Peru do not deserve to fear that every bite of tamale is one step closer to getting shanked by some guy with a big ass needle. There’s enough causes for guilt in this world as it is. I know I couldn’t handle it if while I ate a life-changing meal of blue-cheese burger and bacon cheese fries (last night’s dinner, jealous?) the little devil of guilt was sitting on my shoulder whispering “Bacon or your life, it’s your choice.” That is a scary thought on so many levels, first being that when I thought about those two options I hesitated for a long moment before deciding that my life probably has more value than a strip of fried pig product.

My other main concern with the recent events in Peru is the fact that there is human fat being put into cosmetics. Like, what?! And who buys this stuff? I can’t really imagine my mom at the department store being like “Hmmm, so none of the 300 anti-wrinkle creams here really do it for me, I think I’m going to go see what’s new on the black market.”
But since these men were going to get paid such a ludacrisly large amount of money for these vials of human fat, then clearly there is a demand. Maybe…. (conspiracy theory ready, set, go!) this human fat is being sold to corporate cosmetic companies. Which means, that there are people walking around the face of our pretty earth wearing the fat from deceased Peruvian farmers on their faces. This is when the life choices of log-cabin-dwelling hermits start to look really attractive. I get it now, I get why you would choose to sell all your worldly possessions, buy a goat and a Leatherman and embark on a self-sustaining existance in the middle of the woods. The world is a scary mother-f****** place.

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